oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
