My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
