Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
