I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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