I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
