Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
