I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She bit a glass in half.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Randomize
