For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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