You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
