just survived the first fart of the relationship.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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