Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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