On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
