Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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