My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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