Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
