I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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