if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
MIDGETS
????
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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