I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
