Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
