At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
