Buhtt sex?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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