so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
