got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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