why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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