I need to stop coming to work sober
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
