I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
