goodnight i made you a song goodbye
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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