Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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