New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
