you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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