I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
