apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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