Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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