The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
