3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
