Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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