All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
