On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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