dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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