I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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