I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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