I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
