I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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