When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
