12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
