So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You left your phone here
Wait...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
