I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
