Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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