i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
