If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
