A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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