Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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