Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
