So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
