just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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