I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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