So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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