i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
